Kekecewaan mendalam, bertubi-tubi dalam satu masa, terkadang membawa diri ini menjadi seseorang yang tidak dapat dikenali lagi. Batas yang terlangkahi tanpa sadar menjadi inspirasi untuk turut mendobrak diri. Atau mungkin menggali bagian diri yang sebenarnya telah ada, sedikit disadari, namun berselindung atas nama sesuatu yang selama ini terlalu saya agungkan. Sesuatu yang saya sadari merupakaan suatu keniscayaan. Sesuatu yang dapat membawa diri ini setengah buta atas berbagai kekurangan yang ada.

Continue reading “Mendarat”


I heard one or two – or maybe even more – it must be more – relieving breath in this moment. Showing up the best gratitude they’ve never given to others before. Last time I saw them smiled, knowing the last precious heart they’ve known for a long time struggling for her better world had been finally saved. The last one they’ve known. Furthermore our responsibility is only as far as be grateful of our destiny for being dissociated with the thing that undoubtly would bring us to the greatest fear we’ve ever thought about before. Something that couldn’t be worse for such a woman being. Now we’ll sit down here and watch. Another one was just got into huge trouble, a timed bomb packed in hillarious wraps that would explode in annual periods. The second, or even third calls would be arrived. And that might become the time people realized that something was wrong, not going wrong. We’re gonna be the first people said, “I told you,”. The time I finally say the same thing they usually told me in the past.

I would remember every song that was played, every word you said, every moment you stopped just to glance at me. I get much more than I want, you don’t realize. Despite of my own thought that I’m not grateful enough with my own life, I would asked myself of how could I be more grateful than this for having this one, this time. There’s one-two sacred, fundamental things called faith and sincerity that make everything seems to be fulfilled.


I thought I just found something on what you had just said. You meant..

“Did you tell them about this?”
“Yes, I did,”

And I didn’t hear any objection.

“What is destined for us will be ours. It’s our duty to keep trying”

The Vow

“I’ve sworn for it…”

It left me with a silence. Something ready to burst, but I knew I shouldn’t be that happy and believe. And I drowned into self-contemplation, until I realize something: I’m affraid.

Isn’t this what I want for a long time? In fact, I start to worry about everything, financial, family relationship, and even those mature things. Am I ready yet? Well I should. And there wouldn’t be any words could describe how my feeling, how my life will be, if God gives us the chance this time. Kind of have a half of my dream will be reached. I couldn’t imagine how all of these kind of incredible things came to me in a sudden. Every little girl’s dream that by the time she grows up should be pressed in the name being of realistic, but apparently are ready to be started in the end, for an instant.

The most important thing I learn these days is, so typical actually, but, please, dare to dream. No, the most important thing is… there’s no fool dream. There’s only common, uncommon, prestigious, and subjectively unprestigious dreams. But every of it deserves a chance to be true. Regardless of what actually would be decided for me in the end, I just couldn’t hold this tons of happiness I’m feeling right now. Let me write every hope I was given.

Eksistensi Tulus

Ketulusan menjadi salah satu hal yang seringkali dipertanyakan dalam menjalin kasih sayang. Dan jawaban yang dapat disimpulkan sebagai tidak selalu menjadi sebuah permulaan dari akhir keterikatan itu. Tidakkah terdengar sebagai keputusan yang subjektif, ketika seseorang tidak bisa menerima ketidaktulusan orang lain, padahal arti kata tulus itu sendiri adalah menerima apa adanya. Keputusan untuk mengakhiri itu justru membuat seseorang itu kemudian menjadi orang kedua yang tidak tulus setelah orang pertama. Ketidaktulusan yang kolateral.

“Jadi, apakah ketulusan itu nyata adanya?”

Pertanyaan diajukan pertama-tama, Irene duduk di hadapan saya. “Saya terbiasa untuk selalu mengajukan pertanyaan sebelum bercerita,” ujarnya.

Tanpa ragu dan tanpa pikir panjang saya menyatakan bahwa tentu saja ada. Bahkan bisa jadi saya adalah wanita paling tulus untuk kekasih saya. Saya bisa ceritakan itu untuk menyalahkan pernyataannya yang sudah pasti negatif.

“Cinta itu muncul tiba-tiba. Tanpa pikir panjang, dan ketika saya belum pernah memaknai arti ketulusan sebenarnya, atau bahkan keberadaannya. Saya merasakan cinta itu, di tempat yang asing bagi saya dan dia. Dan ketika kami kembali, saya tidak siap dengan kenyataan yang ia suguhkan kepada saya. Kenyataan tentang siapa dirinya dan bagaimana kehidupannya. Saya pikir saya punya ketulusan…”

Saya teringat pernah membaca suatu literatur sastra, yang mengatakan bahwa mencintai itu tak luput dari membuat orang yang kita cintai menjadi seperti yang kita mau. Saya lalu teringat ketika saya sering memaksa lelaki yang saya cintai untuk lebih menjaga kebersihan dirinya. Saya selalu mengingatkannya untuk selalu tampil rapi, karena saya suka lelaki yang rapi. Saya pun meminta dia untuk lebih sering memakai polo shirt, kemeja, jam tangan, dan hal-hal formal lainnya. Saya juga meminta ia harus bisa memenuhi semua keinginan saya jikalau kita sudah hidup bersama nanti.

Bahkan inilah wanita yang telah merasa dirinya sudah sangat tulus kepada kekasihnya.

“…tetapi bahkan saya tidak menemukan keberadaannya di dalam proses mencintai seseorang,”

Itu yang kemudian menghapus kata tulus pada diri saya dalam hal mencintai kekasih saya. Satu hal yang pasti, tulus itu untuk Tuhan. Selain itu, saya belum bisa menemukannya lagi. Ketulusan itu ternyata tidaklah semurah dan sesederhana yang sebelumnya saya bayangkan.

Found in a folder on my notebook. Written on 29th November 2012


There are moments you gripe, why it should be this way, why it should be this hard, why it should be me? I saw the patterns of how it ran in the beginnings. “Did I really have to live this way, again? You mean, again..?” I asked myself, no need an answer, and nodded myself because nothing I could do about it. Then I should saw another person falling down to its maximum with my own eyes, pulling the hands, or even having it piggy-back-rided on my back, full of tears, and I should put the word “again” in the end of this sentence. The things I wanna find out next is, where would my baby going this time after he finally could stand firmly in his own feet for the first time? Would he hug his mother? Or turn around, finding out the world all alone…

This won’t be my first time, but all I could do is being the best for the one I love. A person ever told me that I was gifted with an excessive patience. I took it as a compliment and also a burden. I consciously realize, with that kind of gift, I would be examined differently with others. I would often hear people around me saying that they couldn’t understand why I should living through all of this, and we ended laughing, because I would sucessfully made a jokes of my own fate. “My addiction of drama has brought me here,”. I thought it would be exciting to live in it. Now I could really live in it, and somehow secretly have a joy with it. This would be always challenging for me, regardless of what I would finally get at the end (nothing at all or everything).

I just hope that being the best this time, passing through this hard level of examination wouldn’t be such a waste again. If you think why I should do this kind of stupid thing again after my worst experience, you might forget a strange chemical creature called woman.

Ah, woman. They would always do this..